


With you is where I belong

by natthemess



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Post-Episode: s01e05 Choose Your Pain, Slight Angst?, Space Husbands, insecure hugh, they're so in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:47:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13472076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natthemess/pseuds/natthemess
Summary: Hugh is worried Paul might choose the mycelial network over him and confronts his partner the night after he injected himself with the Tardigrade DNA. Late night conversations and declarations of love ensue as Paul desperately tries to convince Hugh that this is never going to happen.





	With you is where I belong

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta-ed and it's close to 12 am here, so please bear with me and my (probably thousands of) grammar mistakes. Feel free to let me know if it's too much, though. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this little fic here, thank you for reading! x

“How was it?“, he heard Hugh whisper.

“Hm?” Paul raised his head that had rested on Hugh’s broad chest until now, and looked at him in confusion, searching his eyes in the darkness of the room.

“The network,” Hugh clarified, absent-mindedly running a hand through Paul’s hair.

A small smile tugged at the corners of Paul’s mouth and he shifted a little so he could still lay on top of Hugh but face him, chin resting on his chest now as he contemplated what to say.

“It was… everything.”

He could feel Hugh huff out a silent laugh, and for a second he was worried he’d said the wrong thing. But as he felt his lover’s hand still running through his hair and caressing his cheeks, he was sure that it couldn’t have been that wrong.

“Care to elaborate that?”

Paul frowned. Did he just hear a mildly annoyed undertone? Well, he couldn’t exactly blame Hugh. He’d gone and injected himself with Tardigrade DNA and no medical officer could do any prognoses on what effects that’s going to have, both long-term and short-term. Hugh had to answer a call from commander Saru, expecting someone from engineering to be over-worked or having a migraine or hurt themselves trying to win a fight against computers and data. What he did not expect was his not-quite-100-percent-human boyfriend, each of his arms stabbed and bleeding, swinging from a state of hysteria to unconsciousness to being really talkative, and just being utterly helpless in this situation.

Paul remembered worry and anger and confusion and relief and love and hurt wash over Hugh’s face when he regained his consciousness and his right state of mind. And beside everything else that he felt upon seeing, travelling and working with the mycelial network and discovering the secrets of the universe, it broke his heart a little. He knew he never again wanted to be the reason for Hugh’s heart to break, but since he was one of the few people who had the power to do so, he knew there was no way this was the last time…

So, yes, Hugh had every right to be more than mildly annoyed with him right now, and the fact that he still asked him how it was, that he still ran his hand through his hair like he used to do every night meant so much to Paul, he felt like crying. He did not deserve Hugh, his dear, patient, loving, understanding, kind doctor.

Paul shifted again and leaned forward so he could give Hugh a long kiss filled with all the love and emotions he felt right now, and hoped he would understand like he always did. As he felt Hugh’s smile against his lips, he knew that Hugh would understand what he was about to tell him about life and death and the mycelial network.

He leaned his forehead against Hugh’s as he began to elaborate.

“Hugh, it was… it was everything. I saw everything. It’s like grabbing a history book and just by the mere touch it reveals you every secret it has to offer. It’s like looking at a formula after you’ve done hours and hours of calculations, and suddenly you just… _get it_. You know what you’re doing, you know what you’ve been looking for when you didn’t even know you’ve been looking at all! I saw life and death and beginnings and ends and more colours than I have ever seen in my life! I was so thrilled, it was just… wonderful. It’s more than I ever imagined and I really, really didn’t wanna leave. I wanted to stay there, it was so much warmer, so much colder, so much more extreme, just _so much more_ than I ever thought possible. And, you know, I’m a scientist – and an astromycologist at that –, so the things I think are impossible are basically nonexistent. Except, maybe, Lorca being nice to me, but well, that doesn’t count.”

He was rambling, he knew that, but he needed Hugh to understand. Understand what he saw, understand why he had to go again, understand why he had to do it. Hugh was awfully silent so he felt the urge to continue. He retreated, though, so he could rest his face on his partner's chest again and give him space if he needed it.

“I also saw what would have happened if I hadn’t done it, Hugh. I saw everything that would have happened, I saw this ship break into a million pieces and everyone on it die. I had to do it, Hugh. I had to save you.”

Hugh sighed and Paul feared what was about to come.

“You could have died, Paul,” came Hugh’s reply in a small, almost breaking voice.

“I would have died, anyway, just like every single person on this ship, and so many more. You know that. But I can’t let myself die without even trying to save you first, so I had to do it.”

Silence.

“Hugh, I swear, as long as I am alive and conscious, I will search and find ways to save your life.”

“What worth does my life have here when you’re not around to share it with me, though? Paul, you don’t care about your wellbeing, I know, but I do. And not just as your doctor, but as your partner. I love you, you mad scientist, and I’m…”

Paul looked up in confusion and guilt as he heard Hugh’s voice break again, right before he stopped talking altogether. That was unusual. “You’re what? Please tell me, Hugh.” He pressed a soft kiss right under his chin to reassure him that he was there, that he was not going anywhere, that Hugh could tell him anything.

It seemed to work because he felt Hugh taking a deep breath before he continued. “Paul, how do I know you’ll come back to me? How do I know you don’t just decide to stay in the mycelial network? Please don’t get me wrong, I probably wouldn’t even judge you if you left this world filled with war and Klingons and Lorcas for a world where sparkling little spots of light dance around you and float through the air… But I really, really want to keep you here with me. I can’t do this alone and I know you’re going to have to do it again, you’re going to _want_ to do it all again, explore and marvel. What if it decides to keep you? What if you decide to stay? If it is everything you ever wanted – and oddly, I take no offence here – why wouldn’t you just… stay?”

Paul looked at him, searching his eyes. Hugh was rambling. Rambling. Hugh. No, forget the mycelial network, this right here was otherworldly! Hugh never rambled. This showed Paul that he meant it, that he was truly terrified of the prospect of losing Paul. Again, his heart broke in a million different ways, Paul felt like he couldn’t breathe. He blinked and tried to make sense of the situation. How, for everything that’s holy, could Hugh possibly thing that Paul would leave him just like that? Didn’t he know that… No, of course he didn’t. Why would he? How would Hugh know what Paul knew if Paul didn’t tell him?

Trying to make sense of the thousands of thoughts, pictures and scenes in his head, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and laced his fingers with Hugh’s to emphasize his words.

“Hugh, I am right here. With you. And I will be for as long as you’ll have me. Because I love you. And I was wrong. Kinda. The mycelial network is everything, yes, in so many ways. But not for me. Not now and not ever. Because in all this beauty, in everything I worked for in what feels like my entire life, there’s no Hugh Culber. Or, well, there is, several versions of you, actually. But none of them felt like _you_. The logical part, the science part, the Mad Mushroom Guy-part in me would leave everything behind and just go explore this fabric of time and space for the rest of my life. But the _real_ part of me, the… _Me_ -me wants to lay in bed with you and hold you and tell you about my day. Why would I give up on you and do what I love if I don’t have you to share it with?”

He hoped that, while the rest of his speech probably didn’t make sense because his thoughts were racing, this last sentence, basically mirroring what Hugh said earlier, would convince him that he didn’t plan on leaving Hugh. Never.

“I really do love you, Hugh Culber, and I am not going anywhere. I’m right here.” He squeezed Hugh’s hand and raised their hands to his face to he could kiss their still-interlaced fingers.

Hugh ran his free hand through his hair, cupped his cheek and motioned for him to come up again. As he did, Hugh kissed him passionately, freed his hand from Paul’s hold and wound his arms around him to hold him close. Paul leaned his forehead against Hugh’s again and closed his eyes to enjoy the moment.

“I love you, too, Paul Stamets. And I don’t know what happened to you in that network of yours, but if the spores turned you into a hopeless romantic, then I damn well won’t complain.”

Paul chuckled at that and raised his head so he could look Hugh in the eyes. He caressed his cheek  and with honesty and sincerity said, “They didn’t, sorry. All they did was show me my place in this universe. And it is right here, with you.”

In a swift motion Hugh rolled them over so he was lying on top now, and kissed Paul again, passionately, lovingly, almost desperately. Paul let him take the lead and enjoyed it. After everything he’s seen he still got to do this, kiss Hugh and hold him close, and that was exactly where he belonged in this universe.


End file.
